Happy "Hallmark Made Up a Holiday" Day

Yep, it's the best holiday anyone ever made up. I know, I know...I really know how to kill the romance don't I? And amazingly enough, Mark is the most romantic person I know. He has made me heart shaped pizza way before it was ever thought of in restaurants. He gave me crabs one year...when you submerged them in water, they changed color too...what a neat bathtoy! Of course he's given me flowers and balloons, books (my favorite present) jewelry, our daughter, and many other romantic presents over the course of the last 24 years, but the best present he has always given is himself. I am a VERY lucky woman.
But...Valentine's Day is the second most prevalent holiday for suicides after Christmas/New Years. Single people, or people who feel unappreciated by those who supposedly love them have horrible depresssions on this holiday. So even though it's a great holiday for those of us who have WONDERFUL significant other's....it kind of sucks for those who don't.
As supporters for our less fortunate brethren, Mark and I have agreed to not celebrate Valentines Day (being broke is only marginally involved, truly) in protest to the unfairness of the holiday.
It's funny, I sometimes get so caught up in the bipolar part of my life that I forget how much I'm loved. I have two humans who love me and put up with my 'mental' ways even though I'm not the worlds easiest person to live with. I have two canine companions who ADORE me and dance with feverish devotion every time I leave and come back just to show me how much they missed me. lol I have friends who could have said, "Sorry, you are too much trouble to deal with now" and taken a powder, but who have instead stuck by me and check on me to make sure I'm okay, even though I don't always make it easy on them.
So to all those people in my life who care enough to send the very best (and I don't mean Hallmark), I just want you to know that I love and appreciate you back. Happy "Hallmark Made Up A Holiday" Day. Be well, all.

Neighbors

We have weird neighbors. It's true. We have the people to the left who I swear are vampires because they only come out at night. They also make a lot of noise when they are out and about during the wee small hours of the morning. This is how I know they are vampires. I hear them out there. I've made it a point not to invite them into my house...I don't need anymore problems than I have and just think what trouble a bipolar vampire could get up to.
We have the neighbors across the street. I call their son the Ninja because he brings presents over to the house for Only Child (candy most usually), and he makes no sound. I know this because my dogs bark at any little thing. It's kinda creepy the way he can sneak around. But he is basically a nice kid and he is gifted musically so I ignore the creepy factor.
We have 2 neighbors to the right of us who are weird. The lady of the house has 3 children all under 7 years of age. I NEVER see the husband, although I see his car periodically and know he is there sometimes. Over the summer his grass would get mowed whenever I wasn't looking or when I wasn't home. I think he has yard fairies that do it when no one is looking. The wife came running out of her house one day last week in a robe with nothing on under it, chasing one of the kids. I know this because I was seeing Only Child off to school and just happened to be out there. She really should have buttoned her robe, but I'm guessing she didn't have time. Anyway, it was more than I wanted to see of my neighbors.
The house next to the flasher's house had a guy in a van living in their driveway for a couple of months. It was weird that he was always in the van no matter the time of day, so I got nosy and asked what he was doing. Turns out that he had just got divorced and was on a waiting list for a rental. I just wanted to be sure he wasn't a pedophile. Can't be too careful these days. The people who actually live in the house have lots of naked children that play in the street (not so much during the winter) and they have a very 'white trashy' sort of look about the house.
Across the street from them are the two people who are both on disability. The wife is VERY nosy and knows all the neighborhood gossip and is more than happy to share with you if you happen to be outside when she is walking her dog (walking the dog gives her opportunity to both find out and share the latest gossip). She and her hubby are on disability due to a car wreck two years ago. I have no idea what happened that they are on disability, but she is always around whenever something is happening in the neighborhood.
Two streets over there is a house that exists in a permanent cloud of pot smoke. Every once in awhile I see lights from police cars at that house and Gossip Woman has let me know that the couple who live there get in some nasty, knock down, drag out fights. Which amazes me since pot tends to make you mellow, not violent.
Down the same road is an old guy who likes to pee outdoors. I, myself, have never witnessed this phenomenon, but Gossip Woman has told me of it, so it must be true (I know, I know, but I can't help the sarcasm, it's second nature to me). She says sometimes he'll open a window and just pee right out the window or he'll come out on his porch and pee off of the porch. I'll have to say, she is nosy and gossippy, but she's also highly entertaining sometimes.
Anyway, with all these colorful neighbors, I'm feeling quite boring (yes, I know, shaving my head wasn't boring, but compared to my neighbors, it was nothing), and wonder if I should come up with a new and unusual hobby or something. Then again, I also wonder what Gossip Woman says about us when she is out talking to the neighbors. Scary thought.
Be well

Ready for Spring

Yes, I am ready for spring. It's warm here today (in the 50's) and very foggy but because it is warm I have almost no pain. Yippee! For some reason one foot is sore around the ankle joint, but I think that is more that maybe I twisted it or something. Needless to say, no pain pills today, which makes me very happy indeed.
There is lots of stuff that needs to get done once the tax check arrives. I need to get both cars fixed, Only Child needs her teeth cleaned, plus she needs new glasses. The dogs need their annual shots, house taxes need to be paid, license plates renewed, and various and sundry items should all be put on a checklist or I will forget them. It is a busy time of year for us to get things done.
However, it's 50F here today (yes, I know I said that before) and I'm looking at a stark, leafless tree. The fog is soft around it and there are little rain drops hanging from the dark brown limbs. While it is a stark image, it is eerily beautiful and I can't get enough of looking at it. I wish I had a picture of it, but the background of it would be too much busyness and all I want on the image is the tree itself. I guess I should have taken a course in photography so that I could blank out the background 'noise' of the photo and just have the tree itself (but I didn't, so I can't).
Fog softens the edges of everything and makes things surreal, in the same way that snow softens everything and makes the ugly into beautiful. Nature is such a wonder to me. I love the new buds that come up on the trees in spring. They start out as these brown lumps, turn into green buds and a few days later you have new spring growth, all in a couple of days.
Another thing I like about fog is the sense of cocooning you get. Like you are the only one on a desert island and the rest of the world has gone away. No, I don't think that is lonely...I find it comforting. Of course, outside noises (cars driving by, for example) do interrupt so that you don't feel too alone, but I still like the feeling it gives me. Like I have a secret and the world is helping me keep it.
Okay, maudlin enough for now, I suppose. I just love fog, snow, thunderstorms. A beautiful spring, summer or fall day is great...but anyone can like those. It takes someone a little bit different to appreciate storms in their various forms. Granted, too many days of rain can be a real bummer, but the real wild thunderstorms call to a different part of my soul. Fog and snow can be equally compelling to me, just in different ways.
So what kind of person are you? Do you like calm, sunny days? Rain and foggy days? The perfect fall day? Or are you the type who appreciates all the different forms of weather in their mysteriousness (yes, I made up that word, so sue me)?
Oh, and PS I hate bitter cold. I love weather changes, but the bitter, dry cold that makes my joints and bones ache, THAT I can do without. Yeah, I know, I know, I'm a picky bitch, but I used to like cold days too. Circumstances have changed for those bitter cold days, so I guess you'll have to sue me for that too.
Be well

Mini-Maxi Series

There have been a lot of mini and maxi series on TV lately. I taped one at Christmastime that was called TinMan and was 6 hours long. That makes it about 3 1/2 hours too long.
I still have yet to watch the prequel to Lonesome Dove...hopefully it will be better than Tin Man.
Things here have been pretty normal. Only Child is having some problems with Math and her math teacher basically told her that if she didn't understand it as he explained it to her, that it was her fault. She appealed to another math teacher to help her, so hopefully that will give her the necessary understanding she needs. She gets very upset if she gets behind in her work.
I finished the first salvo of paperwork from both Medicaid and Social Security Disability. Just filling it out depressed me more. And Mark had to fill one out and I read it before he sent it and it was an eye-opening experience. I knew I was pretty screwed up mentally and physically but his questionnaire really opened my eyes. Fortunately, my attention span is such that I won't remember it for very long. I know pretty soon they will probably send me more paperwork to fill out...so I'm just waiting for it to show up.
Since it is the season for low temperatures, my Fibromyalgia has been really bothering me. Sometimes I think that all my joints/muscle groups are going to just pull a revolt and get up and leave my body so they can get some relief. The pain pills I'm allowed to take are only taking the edge off the pain, not really stopping it. But I can't stomach other pain pills, I seem to be allergic to anything stronger and I really hate vomiting every time I take a pill so I'll stick with the stuff I'm on. I really don't want to be addicted to painkillers on top of being Bipolar and having the Fibromyalgia. That would really suck.
As for the Bipolar, I haven't had a serious manic episode since right before Christmas when I shaved my head. Luckily, the hair is growing back and now I look like I'm going to be leaving for boot camp any time now.
The psychiatrist put me back on the mood stabilizer and that is helping. My personality has gone from very subdued to pretty normal most days. I still have days where I just sit and stare into space or 'zone' out, but I guess that's to be expected. I still have to read and reread passages over and over again to get the gist of a novel. I check out lots of books each week at the library, but I generally only can finish one or two. Some just don't appeal to me once I get them home and others are too complicated to read. I used to love novels that were broken up between characters or past and present, such as George RR Martins "A Game of Thrones" book series, but now I have to stick to easy no brainer plots. Sometimes the effort to read is just too much. Watching tv is a treat too. Sometimes I forget what happened right before. When I'm watching by myself I can rewind (thank you Tivo) to figure out why I'm confused, but when I'm watching with Mark or Dakota, I find myself asking them questions as we go along because I cannot concentrate properly. They tend to get irritated with me, but I don't blame them. I now refuse to go out to movies #1 because it would be a waste of money as 2 hours is too long a time for my brain to stay in gear to follow the movie and #2 because I now have massive panic attacks when I'm out in public.
Today Mark and Only Child went to the mall to spend Only Child's gift card and I actually was kinda pissed off that I couldn't go. I was more afraid and anxious than pissed off though because I knew how bad an anxiety attack I would have if I went ahead and went with them. I'm out of anxiety pills until I see the psychiatrist on the 7th though. I just wish that I could be the same person I was a couple of years ago. I lost so much in such a short time. I hate that.
The good things that are going on...our tax check will come and offer us some breathing room. So that will solve our short-term money problems. I'm not having as many nightmares as I was, so I'm thinking that the new meds are doing some good. The dreams and nightmares I do have are VERY vivid though. Too bad I don't remember them once I'm awake...just bits and pieces.
Also, my headaches are happening less often. Instead of daily, it's sometimes a day or two in between (as long as I don't try and force myself to read or watch tv for longer than my attention span allows) which I think is WONDERFUL. Only Child is getting all A's (except for the B in math which she hopes to bring up to an A before report cards come out) and is looking forward to the 4 day weekend she'll have off this month for President's Day or Winter Break, whatever you decide to call it. Only Child is over her cold and feeling more spring in her step (she's a really cranky individual when she's sick) which is a good thing.
So now you are all updated on the happenings of our household. I hope everyone is well and I'll try (try, mind you) to blog a little more frequently, but it really just depends on my condition of the day and if I have anything to say. Lots of days coherent conversation is just not a possibility. Doesn't stop me from griping, but it does make the griping hard to follow. lol
Be well, all.

W-2's

Yes, it's that time of year again. The interminable wait for the W-2's. I've been waiting and waiting. But unfortunately it seems that those employers are going to wait until January 31st before they send them out. The lousy buggers.
I love tax time. I love working on taxes and making sure I'm going to get every dollar due me. I love being able to catch up on bills and get ahead on groceries (I double stock canned goods and frozen meat, so that I have a full larder). I make sure Only Child has summer clothes and at least one decent dress. Although since I don't leave the house hardly anymore, that may be hard to manage this year. Only Child does NOT like to shop for clothes gracefully. She hates trying on clothes. It makes her really cranky.
Also, I love tax time because when I get the refund check, it feels like I won a lottery. It's the one guaranteed win per year. I don't think I could be a tax preparer though. I only like getting money that is due me. But doing taxes is hard work. Making sure you have all your financial info. I got totally honked off last year because I had the taxes all done and then right before I sent them I got a form I wasn't expecting that caused us to get $175 less on our taxes. I'm just lucky it showed up before I sent them though. I don't think I'd like having to file one of those extensions or addendum things. I have the feeling that would be even more of a headache.
We had a good friend spend the evening with us last night and have dinner with us. It was a great time. Since I don't get out much anymore, it was nice that I got to have a visitor. Arlene is a lot of fun and very good company.
Only Child got her grades, straight A's, but now she's worried she'll have a C on the next report card in Math because she's having problems with the math and the teacher isn't a very good teacher. She has asked for help but he is abrupt and dismissive when she talks to him about it. She plans on asking him if there is a tutor that can help her but I'm afraid the teacher will not take that well.
Other than that, it is quiet here.
Be well.

Birthday's

Well, it's that time of year again. I will be turning another year older on the 21st of this month. Not sure how I feel about that. Usually birthday's don't bother me but for some reason this year it is really bugging me.
I keep thinking, I'm 42...where the hell did the time go?! Seems like just yesterday I was 16 and in high school with my best friends Larry and Beth and we were raising hell and just being kids. Then it was dating and marrying Mark, then having Only Child. It all seems so recent and yet, Only Child is 14! So it's been 15 years since I found out I was going to have a child and yet I still remember the feeling I had when they told me. Joy, fear, a sudden urge to go out and buy a baby bed....all wrapped up in the thought, "Oh My God, I'm gonna be someone's mother!"
Funny how sometimes memories seem so close, like it just happened yesterday...and 5 minutes later you can't remember where you left the friggin car keys, even though you just had them in your hands!
So anyway, just reflecting on time and how I got here. I've got so many good memories (tossed in with a few bad ones and a few regrets) to review that it should last me until I officially turn 42. Anyway, thank you to all of those of you who have helped me make great memories. Good friends are great for helping you turn a year older (and great for helping keep you humble cause they send you birthday cards that count your wrinkles).
Be well, all.

Paperwork

I hope you all had a good Christmas. We did. Only Child actually had a good Christmas despite the fact that we had little money this year. Good friends and family made that possible...oh and Ebay defintely played it's part ::big cheeser smile::
Right now I'm working through paperwork for medicaid because next week I have my first interview. Right now I'm copying 4 months of utility bills and 4 months of paystubs. Yep, I have a small forest that I'm killing right now. And I'm trying to do this with two small lap dogs trying to sleep in said lap. They don't seem to think they can sleep on the ::gasp:: floor. What can I be thinking that I would want their dainty little bodies to bed down upon the hard cold floor?! I am sooooooo cruel. So anyway, they are in my lap, in my way and totally happy to be there. Even though I'm jostling them around every few minutes trying to accomplish what I need to accomplish. They just give me long suffering looks to let me know that they are putting up with my nonsense.
Haven't even had time to think of New Year's Resolutions. Not sure they would do any good anyway. I don't think I've ever had one last past the first of February. But I always like starting off the New Year with a plan, so maybe I will think of a few just for that reason.
Be well, all.